i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
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