I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Randomize
