i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
