my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
He? As in you personified your dick?
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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