Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
