Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
