So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
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