it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
