Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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