She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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