Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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