Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
