My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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