I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
