too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
