I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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