What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
