Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
