I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
That reminds me...we need to get swords
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
