Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
