My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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