Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
