he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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