if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize