A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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