Don't make out with my wife yet
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
