College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
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