you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
