if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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