If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
