No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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