So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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