I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
