she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
