You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
