I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
