A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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