"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
