3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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