So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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