They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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