for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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