Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
