you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
