i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
