So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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