Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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