You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
