SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
