he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Sober January is a disaster.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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