I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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