I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
My hand turned me down
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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