Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize