Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I wish there were birth control emojis
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
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