Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
