3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Congratulations! We have a period
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
