My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
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