I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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