were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
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