hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
