my soul wont recognize me after tonight
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
