i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
